The End

Last night my husband put an end to all infertility treatment. While this did not come as a complete surprise since I almost expected this at every appointment I would go to, the reality of it now is excruciating. I always thought that even if this journey ended without a baby I so badly want, at least I would always have a husband who loves and cherishes me, which was the most important part. I wanted to add to our family, enhance it so to speak. Again, it appears I missed the memo on his feelings for me as well. Is this simply a mood, or will I be able to say again soon, "When it comes down to it, my husband always says the right thing when I need it most."? I would much prefer to continue this as "Learning how to live child-free" rather than "Starting Over."

New Beginnings

The day after my BFN, I felt utterly devastated. It would have been a little bit easier if I ended up with a miscarriage instead of a completely negative pregnancy test. I know, the end result is the same, but at least it would have felt that I had more of a chance. So my next thought is that I would go back to the Czech Republic in September for another round. I still hadn't completely paid off this first round, so I was starting to get nervous about money since I would only have the summer to come up with another few thousand dollars to pay for a second round. I mentioned this to a few people and all their comments were, "It's only money, and you'll have plenty of time to pay it off. This is about a chance for a baby!" Yes, that's true, but it's even scarier thinking I could end up greatly in debt and still no baby.

At this time when I could use some really encouraging news, I received some! My husband's company was bought out by another one, and the most amazing thing happened. I was worried his new insurance would cover even less than the one we had so that could potential drive up the cost of medications to around $4000. I called that day, and found out that his new insurance will cover 4 rounds of IVF prior to a live birth, and an additional 2 rounds after a live a birth. I was in shock. I'm so used to hearing, "the company did not choose the option for infertility treatment" or "only diagnosis is covered" that I thought I didn't hear the woman correctly. I asked if ICSI is covered, but this girl didn't know what that meant. She said specifically 4 oocyte retrievals were covered, and that alone surprised me. So I figure even if they only cover traditional IVF and not ICSI, the difference is generally only about $2500, and if I had to pay that, it was still cheaper than going back to the Czech Republic. I felt like I had just gotten four more chances and a new lease on life. It gave me purpose and energy I really needed.

At my weekly mental health check up the following Tuesday, my therapist was stern with me, saying that I couldn't take the negative test and allow it to get me down. She said I had to be pro-active, and simply make plans for the next step. She said it will never work if I let it get me down. She told me to find a new doctor and start making appointments. So I did just that. I looked up doctors who were in both my current insurance plan and the new insurance plan that would not kick in for a month. I took those listed, and then went onto the CDC site and found the ones with highest rates for ICSI, and then looked at where they were located. I immediately crossed my original doctor off the list, but found another one. I called and made an appointment for the very next day. I felt empowered and pro-active, a much better feeling than disappointment and despair.

Heart-Break

I had my embryo transfer on May 11th. Based on my age, the doctor recommended only transferring two embryos, and we would wait and see if the other would continue to develop enough to be able to be frozen. The transfer was amazingly easy. I know friends have told me it would be, but I didn't entirely believe it at the time. I stayed in Brno for an additional five days after the transfer just lounging around the apartment. I was scared every time I sneezed, worried that I would "knock" the embryos out. I was scared to walk a lot or take the trams for fear of a big bump and lose the embryos as well.

I was lucky that I did not have many problems after the transfer. I did not have any cramps or spotting. The two week wait is the worst feeling in the world, but it's the worst at the end, not in the beginning. During those two weeks, there is no reason to not think it will work, so it's almost as if you can pretend it's truly positive. It's only toward the end that the realization that it could all be for nothing that the despair rises close to the surface.

One thing I was unprepared for, and am rather uncomfortable writing about, are some of the other side-effects that I did get. One is constipation, and that is not something I'm entirely too familiar with in my adult life. Again, I was always worried that anything straining my body at all would cause me to lose my potential babies, so this wasn't such a fun thing to experience at this time. I also experienced bloating at times that made it almost hurt to even walk. The most excessive bloating I felt was on the plane ride home, and I don't know if that had anything to do with it. I felt huge! My urine output was also limited, so the bloating felt even stranger. And the worst side-effect by far were the yeast-infection like symptoms from the Progesterone. In the US I've read they use injections for Progesterone, but they are extremely painful, and not even to be self-given because they are injected on your backside. In Europe, the vaginal suppositories are more common, and the doctor told me they are better tolerated. They are very easy to administer. I had to put two suppositories in three times a day. At first it was easy, but as time went on, some would leak out a little bit, even if I laid down for 20 minutes after, and so you are always a little "moist" in that area. It led to some uncomfortable external irritation that eventually drove me nuts. I started eating lots of Activia yogurt and bought Acidophilus tablets, but after a week, I was still very uncomfortable. I figured if I had to take the suppositories for the entire first trimester, I would ask my gynecologist after my pregnancy test what I can safely take. About a week before my test, I couldn't take it anymore and spread some Monistat externally and that was heavenly. I did that for a couple days while eating the yogurt and taking the Acidophilus and eventually I felt normal again.

I was very good about not taking any home pregnancy tests and finally went for my official one at my gynecologist's office 15 days after my embryo transfer. I still had no pregnancy symptoms, but I was definitely a bundle of nerves. The staff at my doctor's office is so wonderful that they were all hugging me and wanting to know all the details of my trip to Europe. They were very supportive and I feel very lucky to have that during such a stressful time. The one nurse told me to call the next day early in the morning and she would call the lab for me if she didn't have my results. The doctor told me to call early in the afternoon, however, because he said he wanted to go over the results with me personally and discuss any questions I have.

The next day my husband and I were both home from work, and my phone rang at 10:30 am. I was so hopeful that it was the nurse calling me since it was my doctor's number on the caller id. But from the tone of her voice asking me to wait for the doctor, I just knew. Sure enough, the doctor got on and just said he was so very sorry, but the results were negative. I had to try so hard to get through the call before the hysterics came on. When I hung up, I just bent over on the couch and started bawling hysterically. I know my husband must have been at a loss as to how to comfort me, but I went over to him and just cried in his arms. He had a hard time believing it was negative because I had no signs of my period. He said he was so sure it would be positive. I then told him I had a clue it wasn't positive because I broke down that morning and took a home test and it said negative, but I was praying that it just wasn't sensitive enough.

I stopped the Progesterone and within 2 days I got my period. The day after the BFN I didn't feel up to going to work, and wanted to mope in the worst way, but my husband recommended I spend the day with a good friend of ours. Sometimes my husband says the right things at the right time and knew what would be good for me. So I followed his advice and spent a girlie day with our friend. It's kind of hard to be all weepy when we went looking at wedding dresses for her. Then we went to the movies and out to dinner where I wanted to eat junk food in the worst way. The junk food didn't satisfy me the way I hoped it would which is a bit of a pleasant surprise, but I felt like the day was a good distraction. Unfortunately it was a holiday weekend, and looking back, I wish I had taken the next day to just mope alone in my bedroom. I'm hoping in the future I won't need to go through this again, but if I do, I'm prepared.