The End

Last night my husband put an end to all infertility treatment. While this did not come as a complete surprise since I almost expected this at every appointment I would go to, the reality of it now is excruciating. I always thought that even if this journey ended without a baby I so badly want, at least I would always have a husband who loves and cherishes me, which was the most important part. I wanted to add to our family, enhance it so to speak. Again, it appears I missed the memo on his feelings for me as well. Is this simply a mood, or will I be able to say again soon, "When it comes down to it, my husband always says the right thing when I need it most."? I would much prefer to continue this as "Learning how to live child-free" rather than "Starting Over."

New Beginnings

The day after my BFN, I felt utterly devastated. It would have been a little bit easier if I ended up with a miscarriage instead of a completely negative pregnancy test. I know, the end result is the same, but at least it would have felt that I had more of a chance. So my next thought is that I would go back to the Czech Republic in September for another round. I still hadn't completely paid off this first round, so I was starting to get nervous about money since I would only have the summer to come up with another few thousand dollars to pay for a second round. I mentioned this to a few people and all their comments were, "It's only money, and you'll have plenty of time to pay it off. This is about a chance for a baby!" Yes, that's true, but it's even scarier thinking I could end up greatly in debt and still no baby.

At this time when I could use some really encouraging news, I received some! My husband's company was bought out by another one, and the most amazing thing happened. I was worried his new insurance would cover even less than the one we had so that could potential drive up the cost of medications to around $4000. I called that day, and found out that his new insurance will cover 4 rounds of IVF prior to a live birth, and an additional 2 rounds after a live a birth. I was in shock. I'm so used to hearing, "the company did not choose the option for infertility treatment" or "only diagnosis is covered" that I thought I didn't hear the woman correctly. I asked if ICSI is covered, but this girl didn't know what that meant. She said specifically 4 oocyte retrievals were covered, and that alone surprised me. So I figure even if they only cover traditional IVF and not ICSI, the difference is generally only about $2500, and if I had to pay that, it was still cheaper than going back to the Czech Republic. I felt like I had just gotten four more chances and a new lease on life. It gave me purpose and energy I really needed.

At my weekly mental health check up the following Tuesday, my therapist was stern with me, saying that I couldn't take the negative test and allow it to get me down. She said I had to be pro-active, and simply make plans for the next step. She said it will never work if I let it get me down. She told me to find a new doctor and start making appointments. So I did just that. I looked up doctors who were in both my current insurance plan and the new insurance plan that would not kick in for a month. I took those listed, and then went onto the CDC site and found the ones with highest rates for ICSI, and then looked at where they were located. I immediately crossed my original doctor off the list, but found another one. I called and made an appointment for the very next day. I felt empowered and pro-active, a much better feeling than disappointment and despair.

Heart-Break

I had my embryo transfer on May 11th. Based on my age, the doctor recommended only transferring two embryos, and we would wait and see if the other would continue to develop enough to be able to be frozen. The transfer was amazingly easy. I know friends have told me it would be, but I didn't entirely believe it at the time. I stayed in Brno for an additional five days after the transfer just lounging around the apartment. I was scared every time I sneezed, worried that I would "knock" the embryos out. I was scared to walk a lot or take the trams for fear of a big bump and lose the embryos as well.

I was lucky that I did not have many problems after the transfer. I did not have any cramps or spotting. The two week wait is the worst feeling in the world, but it's the worst at the end, not in the beginning. During those two weeks, there is no reason to not think it will work, so it's almost as if you can pretend it's truly positive. It's only toward the end that the realization that it could all be for nothing that the despair rises close to the surface.

One thing I was unprepared for, and am rather uncomfortable writing about, are some of the other side-effects that I did get. One is constipation, and that is not something I'm entirely too familiar with in my adult life. Again, I was always worried that anything straining my body at all would cause me to lose my potential babies, so this wasn't such a fun thing to experience at this time. I also experienced bloating at times that made it almost hurt to even walk. The most excessive bloating I felt was on the plane ride home, and I don't know if that had anything to do with it. I felt huge! My urine output was also limited, so the bloating felt even stranger. And the worst side-effect by far were the yeast-infection like symptoms from the Progesterone. In the US I've read they use injections for Progesterone, but they are extremely painful, and not even to be self-given because they are injected on your backside. In Europe, the vaginal suppositories are more common, and the doctor told me they are better tolerated. They are very easy to administer. I had to put two suppositories in three times a day. At first it was easy, but as time went on, some would leak out a little bit, even if I laid down for 20 minutes after, and so you are always a little "moist" in that area. It led to some uncomfortable external irritation that eventually drove me nuts. I started eating lots of Activia yogurt and bought Acidophilus tablets, but after a week, I was still very uncomfortable. I figured if I had to take the suppositories for the entire first trimester, I would ask my gynecologist after my pregnancy test what I can safely take. About a week before my test, I couldn't take it anymore and spread some Monistat externally and that was heavenly. I did that for a couple days while eating the yogurt and taking the Acidophilus and eventually I felt normal again.

I was very good about not taking any home pregnancy tests and finally went for my official one at my gynecologist's office 15 days after my embryo transfer. I still had no pregnancy symptoms, but I was definitely a bundle of nerves. The staff at my doctor's office is so wonderful that they were all hugging me and wanting to know all the details of my trip to Europe. They were very supportive and I feel very lucky to have that during such a stressful time. The one nurse told me to call the next day early in the morning and she would call the lab for me if she didn't have my results. The doctor told me to call early in the afternoon, however, because he said he wanted to go over the results with me personally and discuss any questions I have.

The next day my husband and I were both home from work, and my phone rang at 10:30 am. I was so hopeful that it was the nurse calling me since it was my doctor's number on the caller id. But from the tone of her voice asking me to wait for the doctor, I just knew. Sure enough, the doctor got on and just said he was so very sorry, but the results were negative. I had to try so hard to get through the call before the hysterics came on. When I hung up, I just bent over on the couch and started bawling hysterically. I know my husband must have been at a loss as to how to comfort me, but I went over to him and just cried in his arms. He had a hard time believing it was negative because I had no signs of my period. He said he was so sure it would be positive. I then told him I had a clue it wasn't positive because I broke down that morning and took a home test and it said negative, but I was praying that it just wasn't sensitive enough.

I stopped the Progesterone and within 2 days I got my period. The day after the BFN I didn't feel up to going to work, and wanted to mope in the worst way, but my husband recommended I spend the day with a good friend of ours. Sometimes my husband says the right things at the right time and knew what would be good for me. So I followed his advice and spent a girlie day with our friend. It's kind of hard to be all weepy when we went looking at wedding dresses for her. Then we went to the movies and out to dinner where I wanted to eat junk food in the worst way. The junk food didn't satisfy me the way I hoped it would which is a bit of a pleasant surprise, but I felt like the day was a good distraction. Unfortunately it was a holiday weekend, and looking back, I wish I had taken the next day to just mope alone in my bedroom. I'm hoping in the future I won't need to go through this again, but if I do, I'm prepared.

A True Roller-Coaster Ride

Yesterday between 1 and 2 pm I had to call the clinic to find out the status of my embryos. My husband and I went to Prague for a couple of days before he was scheduled to fly back to the US on Tuesday morning. We arrived at the main train station in Prague around 1:15, so after we got off, we found a relatively quiet spot for me to make the call. I was simply a bundle of nerves. I was trying my best to tell myself that even if none of the three were good enough and this cycle was ended, I would be no worse off than if the round failed at the time of a pregnancy test. On the other hand, if the embryos weren't any good, then I really should make plans to head home early since I would have no reason to spend the rest of the week overseas.

I made the call, and the doctor told me that all three eggs yielded good embryos, and he would see me on Tuesday at 11:30 to do the transfer. I couldn't believe it. I was so relieved at the good news that when I hung up, I started shaking, and cried on my husband while at the same time I was so happy. I couldn't tell if I wanted to laugh or cry.

So tomorrow morning my husband gets picked up at 7 am to go back home, and at 11:30 I have my transfer. I know I will be crying hysterically in the morning; it was so wonderful when he showed up and I know I'll be back to being lonely here, especially since I won't be able to walk as much and therefore not get out to the Old Town area much. I can take the tram, but that will still require quite a bit of walking. My husband didn't offer to stay an extra day, but with all the plans already in place, it really doesn't make any sense. Emotionally it would be wonderful, but maybe it's better to get my crying done before the transfer!

I'm here for another 5 days after that and that's a bit much, except we can't plan to the minute how much time I will need. It was a potential for my transfer to be on Thursday instead of tomorrow, and in that case, I wouldn't want to go back until Saturday to give myself some rest. Since the egg retrieval was a day earlier than I expected, it could have meant that my transfer could have been as late as this coming Friday and that would have been perfect for my timing. Since we don't know until we're here, this is the best I can do. I'm trying to remind myself that I'm not a work, so I should just relax in this lovely little apartment.

The next question is how many embryos the doctor is going to transfer. I don't want more than two, but somehow I was under the impression the doctor wanted to transfer all 3, which also happens to be the maximum they allow here, and also is considered a failed attempt. The thought of triplets is a bit terrifying, but I guess the doctor will be able to give me the best advice tomorrow.

Egg Retrieval

Three hours ago I had my egg retrieval. I was extremely nervous as I didn't know exactly how I would feel afterward. There are a few things I learned from this experience.

First is that American hospitals and clinics could really take some lessons from the ones here in the Czech Republic! Our instincts are to think, "Eastern European, dated, backward, not up to our standards." Actually, it's the other way around! Upon arrival at the clinic, my husband and I were taken to "my room". It was a really nice hospital room! It was large, with large windows across the one wall, with two beds with nice blankets and pillows on them. There were two white fake leather guest chairs and side table between them. There was also a full bathroom and Ikea-like lockers. The room itself was clean and almost inviting. There was none of the scary disinfectant smell or just hospital like feeling that we're used to. I wouldn't stay it was not "sterile" because it was definitely clean!

My husband was called off to do his part, but I was still waiting for my turn when he came back. Shortly thereafter they took me across the hall to the operating room. I was rather nervous by this time. I was feeling skeptical about the anesthesia when suddenly I felt it and went "wow!" before drifting off. The next thing I know I was woken up and taken back across the hall. The anesthesia wore off fairly quickly which was a surprise. I tried to sleep although I really wasn't all that tired or out of it. Listening to the birds chirping helped me relax. I felt twinges of cramps, but nothing too terrible. Not long later the nurse came in to ask how I felt and to remove the IV. A little after that, she came in with hot herbal tea and chocolate wafers for me. I was really taken aback by their kindness.

Then came the shock. The doctor came in and told me I only had 3 eggs! I had 8 large follicles on Monday, but only 3 grew large enough to use. I felt devastated. When he walked out of the room, I burst into tears, but this is when I learned my next lesson.

Not that I didn't know this already, but my husband can really be exactly what I need when I need him. So I just need to remember to always trust in him and his love. I was terrified that with only 3 eggs, I'll have none to freeze and I'll never have a baby if this round doesn't work. My husband came over to me and hugged me and said that he agreed to three chances and if he needs to come back, so be it. I felt like my whole world opened up again and that all was not lost and I can be happy no matter what. The love and gratefulness I feel to have him are indescribable.

So my lessons learned today are that egg retrieval is not the worst experience, the medical clinics here are really so much better than back home (so take that, clinic near my house!), and to always have faith and trust in my husband.

The Day Before My Egg Retrieval

Today is the day before my egg retrieval, and my coordinator here took my husband and I out to lunch. She took us to an authentic Czech restaurant that looked like a traditional cottage. At this lunch she also brought her grandmother, a lovely woman who reminded me of my aunt back in Hungary, and another woman from California.

This woman has secondary infertility herself. She had one child naturally, then went to a clinic in Zlin and with only one round had her second daughter. She and her husband would like to have a third child, so she went back to Zlin, but that first round for her third child failed, and for whatever reason she decided to give the clinic here in Brno a shot. It does give me hope that I can possibly have a successful first round.

Tonight in the apartment we had to fill out some forms prior to the surgery tomorrow. The most important ones ask what we will do with frozen embryos in certain situations. The Czech Republic does not allow frozen embryos to simply die, but specify they must either be used by the couple who's genetic material it is, donate them to science, or donate them to other couples experiencing infertility if the woman who's egg is used is under 35.

After much discussion, we decided that if we don't use the embryos ourselves, we would want ours to be donated to other infertile couples. I am thrilled my husband felt this way as that was the way I was leaning myself. If I could help another couple experiencing what we are, that would make me very happy.

Another decision was made in the event one of us dies and leaves behind the frozen embryos. My husband said that as far-fetched as this is, but if I were to die, and he were to get remarried and his future wife wants children and can't conceive, he would want my child next. I'm not sure how another woman would feel about that, but that also made me feel good inside, thinking that he didn't want to simply let the embryos be donated. In fact, he again said after his own possible use, the next best thing would be to have them donated to infertile couples. I put down the same decisions in case anything were to happen to him.

I always love those moments when my husband surprises me and they make me feel, "Yes, and here's yet another reason why I married him." If nothing else, this trip to the Czech Republic renews my feelings of love and friendship with my husband which is always a good thing. Again, it could be the hormones making me feel so gushy, but it's a good feeling so I won't question it.

Now if only I could get past my slight nerves to tomorrow's procedure! My friend who's gone through two rounds said that it's not bad because of the anesthesia, and she's even more scared of needles and doctor's than I am, so I'll just try to think about that!

Self-Injections and IVF...Truly Not Worth Worrying About!

If you're anything like me, you hate anything and everything that has to do with needles. I was that child running around the doctor's office screaming my head off hoping to avoid a vaccination. Thank goodness my mother had my ears pierced when I was a year old because I never would have had the nerves to knowingly have holes put into my body unless I were knocked out. Also as a child, I hit my dentist when he injected the novocaine into my gums. As an adult, while waiting my turn to have blood drawn, I heard the woman ahead of me go "My goodness that's a big needle!" and nearly ran out of the hospital. So when I found out that I have to give myself injections for IVF, I did my best to block it out. I assumed my husband would help me out, but I'm guessing unless it's a life or death situation, he wants no part in sticking any needles in me. He doesn't care for needles himself. I guess that's one of the many things we have in common! After the fact, however, I will say that if at all possible, I don't think I would ever want another person injecting me. I realize that it's easier on me to do it myself than hope the other person doesn't jab me the wrong way!

I ordered the medications at the end of March, and a huge box filled with medications and lots of needles arrived at my home. I put it all in the fridge as instructed and did my best not to think about what I will actually need to do with those. My coordinator sent me a video on how to inject the meds, but I didn't bother to look at that ahead of time. I was a bit in denial and just ignored it. I considered asking a couple of friends for help when the time came. One friend went through two rounds of IVF herself so she offered to show me, but I just had to find the time. Another friend used to be the nurse at my gynecologist's office, and since she's drawn my blood before, I figured she might be able to help me out with this. In the end I didn't ask her because I didn't want her to think I only wanted to contact her for selfish reasons.

When the day finally arrived, I realized that having someone show me wouldn't help all that much unless they conveniently lived next door. I had to do it every day at the same time. I chose 8:30 am since it would be right before work. I watched the video and it didn't seem like a big deal, except for the sticking a needle into your skin part. I had a hard time watching the actual injection in the video.

So I followed the instructions to a "t". I put my laptop on the kitchen table with the video set to go. I followed it as if I were following a cooking show. For every step they did, I would then pause the video and do it myself. I put down paper towels on the table just in case my surface wasn't clean enough. I washed my hands and brought the medications, needles, alcohol swabs, sharps container, and a washcloth to the table. The washcloth was my addition and I have it here with me in the Czech Republic. I followed the video until it came time to inject. At that point I folded the washcloth, and then stuck it in my mouth so I could bite down on it. I then pinched my skin and stuck the needle in. I stared at it in disbelief. I didn't feel a thing!! How in the world is this possible?! I finished the injection, pulled out the needle and then stumbled over to the couch about to pass out. I felt so lightheaded I had to put my head between my legs because I had worked myself up so much that I made myself sick. I was in utter shock that it truly did not hurt at all! The hardest part of injecting yourself using the Gonal-F Pen is the prep work, which takes less and less the longer you do it. I've been doing it for 9 days and it's cake.

I wish I could say the Cetrotide injection is as easy, but that prep work really is a pain. Especially since I have to do it alone without knowing for sure it's right. I followed the video the same way I did with the Gonal-F. For this injection, you have to mix it and then load it back into the syringe before injecting. That was the hardest part. But I did feel I did it without screwing up. This injection was a little less comfortable than the Gonal-F. The needle is slightly longer and bigger, but the syringe is smoother to push down on so I guess it's a trade off. Surprisingly my skin did get irritated at the injection sight and was a little itchy and red. I looked up side effects immediately and it said that irritation is common but short term. Sure enough, probably within a half hour I didn't notice it at all anymore. There's no sign no, later on that day that I ever injected myself. Luckily I only have that particular shot one more time.

Tomorrow is my grand finale in injections. I inject myself with the Gonal-F for the last time in the middle of the day along with the Cetrotide, and then tomorrow night at 9 pm I inject myself with Ovidrel, which is a prefilled syringe without mixing. And then I get Friday off before the Egg Retrieval.

Regardless, as much as I hate needles, it's completely worth it a million times over if it results in my dreams coming true! My fingers are crossed!